“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
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honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
taking June’s advice to heart
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.