Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
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When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.