When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
You Might Also Like
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
me refusing to leave twitter
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days