Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble