Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
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I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Spa day..😅
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…