saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Animal poetry
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ