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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
When your man makes a valid point
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once