People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.