Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five