arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then