Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”