Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
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A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
real
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”