My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
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PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
You can’t outrun your problems…
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.