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WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.