Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
12. I think about this all the damn time
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.