Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating