How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
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My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Hmmmmm
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
my mind
You just read my mind
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer