Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
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[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
this isn’t threatening at all
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.