The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right