him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
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[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
spot the difference
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
this FaceApp is creepy af
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”