*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”