the three branches of government
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.