There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
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this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.