Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Got him!
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.