I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI