The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
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Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Room with a view.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.