Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
White Castle for the Win
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
dam girl
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Love is always patient and kind.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE