[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.