Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
You Might Also Like
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
The internet is full of many things
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.