Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My kitchen overserved me.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.