Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
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ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
How is it still this week?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke