My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests