I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
excuse me
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.