A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
bout dat hot dog summer
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”