4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
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The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶