every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
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Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Catercrombie & Fish
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
May have had one breakfast too many
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
This probably isn’t good