A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
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Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!