Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
But is it really??
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
This has made my week.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.