How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Phonetics
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”