two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go