*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
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I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.