Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
For those that worship cheese..
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The best shot in the history of golf
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face