DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
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I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.