You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
When your man makes a valid point
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.