There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.