I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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“What movie?” 🤔
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Thursday
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit