Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
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Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
President The Rock Obama
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder