I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
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At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
The devil.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.