My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying