Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
#MeanwhileinCanada
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.